aah..it feels good to be back again, typing in my most random thoughts for the most random people..
two years have passed since i've become a free man and i guess i can safely say that i am quite happy and contented with my life, with whatever i have and whatever i have accomplished till now..but still, its in my nature to be unhappy with past decisions and actions just because they could have been better..i try to rid myself of this habit, but it strikes time and again..
why do some of my actions, which seem good previously, appear to be not-so-good options later? you'l think i'm mad,obsessed with being perfect..but that's not the answer..
my argument is,if something can make things better,can make my life a whole lot easier,why don't i do it? why do i satisfice with options which are good enough whereas the best option stares at me in the eye,awaiting to be spotted? i know what is right for me,i know what is best but i just don't feel like doing it..other trivial events,which might be of no consequence to me at any moment seem to be more lucrative.

anyways, i dnt want to burden myself with this shit anymore, its too damn boring. i know i could never concentrate on my work till date and it'l be that way till the end. maybe thats the way i gotta live, so no use fretting. lite lo!

detached..

change is the most powerful proof of the passage of time..things change,people change,the world around you changes..it has been a long time since i last posted here and it has been quite a period for me..i've been witness to several changes and have learnt lots from them..for once i learnt that sometimes its not good to be unbiased or truthful,just to save your own ass..sometimes its not good to get attached or close to people-it hurts when you fail them,or as it may be,if the other person thinks you've failed him(or her)..sometimes its even possible to feel guilty without having committed any mistakes..sometimes its not nice to be surprised at changing people..and sometimes its best not to feel shocked when you see that you never really knew the person you thought you knew best..this is life..these and the many such lessons have had a strange effect on me..i feel so very detached from all those people i once held close,and even from life..now i'd like to stay alone most of the times,or with those rare few people i still trust..a sense of detachment rules,i feel indiffernet and things that mattered to me before,seem trivial now..life teaches you lessons,and it teaches well..my first tryst with life's lessons was a complete disaster although i was able to derive some gyaan from it..god help me in the next encounter.. :(

a year of proper life..

a year passed by like a whirlwind..i guess its time to assess myself yet again..
well it all started last year in july last year when i got my license to fly..to fly away from home..and the place i flew to seemes home to me now..it has been a pain staying away from BITS for so long,and i'l be relieved wen i finally board dat train on the 30th..its not that i really hate staying at home or that i really go wild at BITS that makes me like BITS more by the day,but its the fact that i really HATE protective behaviour and curtailing of freedom..a 19 year old guy is more than capable to take care of himself,and as people who know me will say,i am mature enough..its either the fact that my parents dont know me well enough or that they don't wish to know me better..
returning to the topic again..this 1 year at BITS had a lot in store for me..it was full of new experiences both favourable and otherwise..i'l say that i learnt a lot more from my non-academic experiences rather than the academic ones..(well i guess the acad. ones were not all that favourable but thats another issue..!!) well i guess this is what college life is all about..it all started with us attending lectures in droves wearing formal clothes,always keeping an alert eye out for prowling seniors..sooner than expected we were given freedom from the 'interaction period'..we shed our coat of innocence and the true self came to the fore..lectures were gussd n later even some tutes.. :)
i met a lot of people,some i treasured as my bestest friends,some i learned to stay away from..that initial phase of hesitation was now gone,and now i saw myself as a BITSian,and BITS was my place to be..further interactions with seniors taught me the nuances of college life..soon we started taking the law into our own hands,and our rule breaking expedition kicked off..i dont want to go into the details of it all,it was pretty much an achievment for a first yearite but nonetheless added to my experience..
OASIS-my first experience of a big scale fest..i'l never forget it..(there are other reasons though!!) working together with seniors was a great experience during the pujas and much later in the grub..all throughout my seniors were a source of constant support and that made my first year of college llife all the more enjoyable..
friends..my group of friends..how can i ever forget them..our much enthued and thus much rebuked group of guys n gals had managed to stick together for a year quite well,despite outsiders predicting its breakup..they mean more to me than anything else..thank u friends for makin my first year the best time of my life!!(enjoyment wise..)

academics..it was one word that was defined by me(honestly..) and it has become the word i dread..what a transformation..i hav explored the causes n hav plumbed the depths of the inexplicable ocean of my psychology and hav returnd with a plausible answer..i guess it has to do with my carefree and ocassional irresponsible beahviour..wen i enjoy myself i dont think of what side effects my over indulgence can bring about..n dats wat..i over enjoy myself,leaving very little margin of time for my studies..anywz guss this,i hav alrdy posted many such posts examining my academic decline..
so thats about it..a brief synopsis of my happy n unhappy times in my first year at BITS..more to come soon..stay tuned!! ;)

ramblings of a depressed soul..

well its time for you to endure some more shit..had to speak out,had no other means to contain the depression that has welled up inside me..be it the stupid exams that force u 2 study crap stuff all night or sadistic instructors intent on grading u below your expected level:its the academic scenario that has got me in a fix now..
parents waiting at home to receive a supposedly 10p son,who on the otherhand is currently waging a battle to become a 8.5p..a tragic scenario that is enacted in evry students college life...it seems that the very aim of our college life has become the accumulation of grades-cause the learning quotient is 0..and its not only me,its the same in every persons life! we had ghoted our asses off for the last 2 years just to secure a seat in a good college under the assurance that once u get in there,its no more ghoting...well here i am,in one of the so-called premier instituitions of the country having to fret over a 1.1f variable! but ya,students have no right to enjoy life,so dump all the stupidest shit on them and justify it as education! thats what it is...but i have wailed a lot on this topic,no point doing it again...
going on to an entirely different topic...a personal introspection i might call it..many people say i am very mature for my age..i'd like to contest that.. recently through a spate of occurrences in which i have hurt my most dear one(s) i have come to the conclusion that i am not what people think i am..i am still the irresponsible kid that i was 10 years ago,having no forecast of what the consequences of his actions may be...i am still the dreamer who foregoes the practical and real life in favour of his dreamland,where everything goes according to his own will...who likes people when they speak accordingly,and calls them abnormal when they get practical...this is the real ME...an abhorrent picture of ignorance..trying to get practical now might do some good but wont undo the hurt that i have inflicted on my loved ones through my actions...
recently these self-introspections and some other incidents have forced upon me this great feeling of depression and dissatisfaction at myself....its so vast that in times of isolation i try to sedate myself by just looking at the stars and at the endless sky....i suspect that i am going insane because my mind has never housed a greater number of worries and i dont even understand what i should do with them...but losing hope is not what i love to do,so i am still there fighting to get back on track...

a few drops of pessimism..

yeeaaaahhh!!!
i am posting something after a long time..i guess i had nothing impressive going on in my life during this period of silence,just the regular second sem vettiness that seems to have infected every first yearite i come across..
oh..i am soo bored of this stereotypical life..go and sit for tests,come back chat on the net,eat,sleep..study if possible..orkuting saves the day most of the times,but even too much of it does start to bore you..to sum it all up its a serious lack of adrenaline in my life..
at times i ponder about what i seem to be heading for..but it seems as if i'm staring into nothingness..nothing concrete seems in focus..now the question is,have i really turned into a rudderless ship? here i am..showing my acads the middle finger..but its not as if i'm enjoying my life..its exactly the opposite..so what's the point?? its a losing equation on both hands..the end result seems certain..a vetti guy with a fucked up grade..!!
nothing seems to be right..i don't want a bad grade,people expect high grades from me(u have no idea what some PEOPLE expect from me..#@^%$!!)..i don't want a nerd's life coz thats not what i am..and again i just cant seem to balance both of them..
another thing about me..i cant stay for long in silence..i detest places like the library for their silence..i've got to stay amidst the din and the ruckus,coz i enjoy it..otherwise a feeling of isolation sets in..i HATE to be alone..
u must be wondering,how does a guy who hates to be alone,manage to get bored?
ya...thats how i am,cz even too much of friends seem to bore me..n i like having my own quiet moment amidst the chatter..coool naa??
thats enough of pessimism for today..
i guess looking ahead is the only thing that will keep me happy..looking forward to returning to my home with a decent grade card,if possible..meeting old friends,having a few unforgettable moments of fun with the near and dear before coming back to the stereotypical grind of life..god i feel nostalgic already!.

vetti as ever..

vettiness sets in like a slow acting poison as i intrude further into 1/2..the excitement lies in discovering and doing new things and nothing i do or see seems new to me now..even getting drunk,our luxury of 1/1, has lost its charm and it seems no more than a waste of money nowadays..

rare occassions like the grub bring a sporadic spark to my otherwise mundane routine,which generally consists of a sleeping session till noon after which i grace the insti with my presence..those unlucky days when i have tuts in my first hour i get up at 7:58 and run to my class without bothering to freshen up..attending classes has now become a liability rather than the neccessity it was before..why can't hey think of ways to enliven our education process rather than mete out sleepy lectures to students who are already sleeping?

even orkut,the lone spark in any vetti bitsian's life has forgotten to come to the rescue with numerous attempts to overcome the login stage blues coming of no avail..even the neuron seems to have lost its sheen with so many first yearites getting their comps and cluttering the network..the craze of counter strike came and went before we could even bat our eyelashes..so now our only recreation is watching multiple movies a day(thank god they produce innumerable movies per year!!) and the late night lacha sessions at the ANC..

5 point someone

have been waiting a long time to review my favorite book..here goes!

a seemingly harmless book that claims to guide people about what not to do at an IIT,it starts to punch you hard as you start reading it..the story is so similar to your own lifestyle that you'll be saying,'hey that's me in there!'..that's because,be it IIT or BITS,our lives are an amalgamation of shit like ManPro and elixir like vodka..maybe we haven't boozed on the insti roofs and maybe we haven't fucked profs' daughter's on their beds,but in essence its all the same..the concepts of C2D are a very advanced manifestation of what happens widely,that is copying assignments and stuff like that..basically the book covers the life of an average student who is trapped in the net that they call education in esteemed instituitions..

chetan bhagat has portrayed effectively the dilemma that every student undergoes,in the character of alok..whether to ghot day long in pursuit of a good CG or to enjoy..ryan,on the other hand shows us the futility of theoretical education when he succeds in making it big with a 5.01..hari,is the perennially indecisive character who goes by whatever ryan thinks is right..

the rosy image of college life that the celluloid world puts forward,the place where people are at perfect enjoyment,finding their love and blah blah,is at complete opposites with the stark reality that engineering colleges mete out..it is nothing better than going four more years through that grinding machine that is so misappropriately named education..it appears illogical when we look back and see that we have toiled hard for two years just for this shit..do you call those colleges the premier educational instituitions of the country where they screw with your heads in such a way that you don't stay the way you are? well i guess we can't help it coz its the way things are in this country..but this is one book that can open the eyes of all the people who think that they can play with our future and get away with it..hope it knocks some sense into them..meanwhile i'm gonna return to just being an alok for the time being..